The SpamCatcher Diaries

[MazY]

The names have been changed to protect our agents from poor ranking threats and spam e-mails.

It had been a busy day at MI9. We had suspected for a long time that the favourite search engine, Grooble, had been taking bribes from spammers for some time. The latest ranking results simply served to confirm our fears.

Agent 7157, codename: "Digger", had been monitoring the activity via the MI9 forum. The forum had been set-up as a front for the undercover operation and was working with great success. With his persuasive people powers, he was clearly the man for the job.

Agent 4523, codename: "YoungHaggis", had been keeping a low profile, as had been agreed in the mission briefing. Stalking mostly in the depths of night, his stealth tactics were matched only by a funny avatar, specifically designed to give a hypnotic illusion to all those fell under its spell.

Agent 3625, codename: "Melon", had been put in charge of cloaking. She had a nose for this sort of activity and was renowned for the ability to spot a cloaked page from just a web browser. Fear struck into the hearts of spammers when this story circulated around the spam-bars of downtown New SpamVille.

Agent 5758, codename: "Jilter", was responsible for reporting the findings to the MI9 "powers that be". With her convincing manner we knew that when we wanted something from them, she was the one to get it. Her now legendary exploit rang this through the SpamVille City Hall with no room for doubt. We had asked for coffee. Not just one between us but one each. Oh yes, we knew our value and we were going to make sure they realised it too. Jilter stormed into the "Corridor of the Gods" as we knew it then (The MI9 offices) and demanded that we be allowed one entire cup of coffee, each. In their frightened response, the Gods simply pointed her to the coffee machine and plastic cups and said "Help yourself. It's there where it always is." Now that is power.

Then there was me, Agent 8694, codename "Maisy". I had been called in from the UK watchpost. I set off for SpamVille USA as soon as the call was received. The journey was long. After only half-way I was beginning to regret travelling by bicycle. But the call had sounded important and so sacrifices had to be made. Anyway, I was no blundering fool, I was highly trained and had remembered to pack an apple into my pocket to keep me going. As any agent will tell you, that can mean the difference between life and death. Of course, a puncture repair kit would have been handier but would not have tasted as nice.

Then there was the mission, "Operation Wibble". "Why Wibble?", you may ask. All I can say at this point is that we were all pet lovers and one agent may or may not have a pet toad called "Wibble". If one of us did then we might have figured that a toad is a good analogy of a spammer. Again, that is if we did. I have already said too much.

Operation Wibble was put in place to investigate the apparent back-hand payments that were being increasingly reported by users of the Grooble Search Engine. Unbeknown to the SpamVille residents, the MI9 team had already been investigating the "hidden text" phenomonen through the use of various bits of coloured transparent plastic, or as we knew them as in the field, "bits of coloured transparent plastic", held between the agents' eyes and the computer screens. Oh yes, no expense was ever spared at MI9. To be the best, we had to use the best....

Part II Coming Soon.

[JuniorHarris]

<applause and standing ovation!~>

Very creative, or was it 8694, er I mean Mazy. Let me just finish by saying "The spam has hit the pan, the spam has hit the pan". Vector 4523 bounce back enabled.

[MazY]

LOL Oscar Charlie. Message Received. [Encryption in progress...] kdlfs95 f98f9345 98sd9sd

Authorisation Key "The lettuce is green in November."

Over.

[Web Witch]

Can't wait to :read: Part II. Very creative :up:

WW:bat:

[ihelpyou]

:green:

[MazY]

The Introduction of Dr. USBinski.

It was Tuesday morning and already the day had seemed to stretch into what seemed like a week. At that point, YoungHaggis pointed out that the clock had actually stopped working some time ago. My God, it had been a week. The stark realisation hit each of us in turn. The eyes lit-up like coins shimmering in the sunlight, the faces paled as we realised the full extent of what this meant. Yes, not one of us had remembered to set the VCR for "Friends". Damn, this mission stunk.

After winding the clock and correcting the date, Melon checked the desk diary. "Hmmm. We seem to have a "Duuuuur USBinski coming in today." Digger went over to the diary with a bewildered look in his eyes. He read the entry 'Dr. USBinski - Arrival' "It's Doctor, not Duuuuur!" Melon, with her usual style and panache simply retorted, "Well, if you're going to be pedantic, Doctor definitely has a C in it and that hasn't!"

Dr. USBinski was known for his expertise in electronics in the field of espionage and microwave ovens. As our office oven had been faulty for some time, we figured this must have been the pupose of his visit. That damned oven. It never had worked since Jilter had put the godlfish bowl in. She had naturally figured that as the plate rotated inside, it would save the fish from having to swim around. Of course, she also deduced that it needed light and so set the oven on for a few hours. The result was, as you can imagine, a little messy.

At 13:32 Chief Agent Donald McBurger or "Big Mac", as the team called him, came into the office to give us a brief on the Dr. USBinski visit. "Right, guys, you should know by now that Duuuuur USBinksi", his eyes winced as his nose dug down into his papers, "I beg your pardon, Doctor USBinski is coming to visit today to brief you on applying tactical electronics into Operation Grooble." I interrupted and asked whether being as we had Duuuuur, erm Doctor USBinski's skills on board that he would be able to put a plug onto the computers for us whilst he was with us. It was getting increasingly hard to operate the computers without power. McBurger looked back me and asked whether this was strictly neccessary. We all sort of nodded and our bemused looks must have indicated that it was pretty important. "OK, then fill in form 387534957:GGWTW (Plug Requisition) then.", he retorted.

"Anyway, as I was saying, Duuuur USBinski is coming today to give you expert tuition into applying his electrical expertise into Operation Grooble. Damn it - I want war on those spammers and we are going to do everything in our power to make sure that the blood runs a different page colour to the text background or is that a different text colour to the page background? Either way there is going to be some colour changes in this mission! Do you all understand?" The group hid their playing cards behind their backs and nodded in agreement. "Oh yes, Sir", said Melon. "We all think exactly the same as what you just said, word for word, whatever those words were, we all agree in all agreement, wholeheartedly and without any playing of cards whatsoever." McBurger walked over to her with his steely blue eyes and his menacing unshaven face. He had obviously picked up on something. He looked at her again and then looked down to his notes. "Hmmm. Agent Melon, is this Duuuur or Doctor?" he asked. "Erm Doctor, Sir", she replied. "Good that is what I thought", he mumbled as he left the room. Before closing the door he returned. "Oh yeah, and clean this place up, it looks like people have been working in it, damn it!" The door slammed.

Day Three Coming Soon

[JuniorHarris]

Mazy, that was too funny!~

I now need to go get some lunch and try to fill this gaping split in me side from laughing so much!~

[Blue]

To the nearest public toilet, I ran like the wind (no pun intended)! "That Stinks" I thought to myself, upon discovering that the latest installment of "SpamCatcher" had been replaced by some rather dull copies of Readers Indigestion.

Fortunately, I still had, from my more youthful days, my secret decoder ring that allowed me to decode (the miracles of modern science and cereal makers will never cease to amaze me) the latest thrilling episode from the walls of the stalls.

I'll be back for the next episode, though next time, I think I'll bring a gas mask...

P.S. You'll have to decode this with your own secret decoder ring: mAzY ~ oops, I mean Agent 8694 ~ Iz aBsoLutElY hIll LaRRy uS.

[Web Witch]

:cool:. :eek: MazY, can I come in as a new recruit????

WW

[MazY]

You're already pencilled in day three lol Hold tight.

[MazY]

From Russia With Love.

Dr. USBinski had arrived late the night before. Shrouded in mystery and a hat that would make any pimp green with envy, he had been escorted into the top secret hotel by his personal security assistant. Everyone knew that it was actually his Mum but they kept quiet. Even when she would hand him tissues and tell him "blow your nose."

Usually the Doctor would have downed a few Vodkas before sleeping but tomorrow was a big day. A day where his finely-tuned and razor sharp electronics skills would be tested to the fullest. Fitting a plug was not for the layman and he wanted to have a clear mind when he did it.

07:35 am.
The Doctor awoke with a startle "Queen Three takes Bishop Four", he shouted as his head shot from the pillow. Before his mind had even had time to leave the nighmare of the 1977 chess game where Obnoxious Bostrofski had beaten him after a three month consecutive game, his Mum, erm, personal security assistant entered with his usual breakfast of broken glass and wood-shavings. "There you are lovie. You get that down you and you'll be figthing fit in no time", she said as she wiped his his face with a damp flannel. "Mum!, I mean, Woman!", he shouted. "Get off me. Can't you see that I am a Russian expert renowned for my technical brilliance in the field of industrial espionage? I am mean and menacing for God's sake!", he continued.

08:30 am.
The team awoke from a long night of staring at the unpowered computer screens, looking for traces of new spam. Melon stretched, "I swear we haven't found anything new in ages", she said as she fell of the chair. YoungHaggis took the pens out of his ears and looked towards the window. "Arrrg gaaarhha dddnnnnn rrhehe fffrhhd sjseeuudh" he said whilst still yawning. "Oooops Sorry. I dunno for sure but I can't help thinking that this power issue is hindering our progress a little. All we seem to be finding is black fonts on black page background and that seems a little suspicious to me." YoungHaggis had long since been known for his wild theories about life and evolution and so this notion came as no surprise to the other team members.

08:50 am.

Chief Agent, Big Mac enterd the office. Now the important thing to remember about Big Mac is that he was not, as you may expect, named Big Mac as a result of his name, but becasue of the incident with the melted cheese and his aspiring agent at the time, Agent 737346 Codename: WetWatch.

"OK Team listen up, I know you still remember the incident about the erm, well, let's just call it the cheesegate scandal and be done with it.", his face reddening slightly as his mind recounted the night's events "Oh no, Sir", expressed Digger. "We have totally forgotten that Thursday night at 19:45 where you were caught cavorting naked in the corridors with WetWatch, smeared in melted cheese." He slowly moved towards Melon so as to hide the 3' x 4' wall poster of the incident from Big Mac's view. "Yes, thank you, Digger, I think we've heard enough about that for now. Anyway, to say the results of operation Wibble have been poor is an understatement. Now I know that many of you blame WetWatch for that night but I think it is fair to say that it was damned nice cheese and I think that any one of you, given the opportunity, would have done the same thing." I had spluttered loudly at that point. "Erm, Sir. Not that I don't find you attractive and all that but to be brutally honest I'm not a cheese fan and so I think that would preclude me in your estimate." Melon interrupted. "Yeah and I hate cheese. I don't mind that stuff you can buy from the little cheese shop down the road but.." Big Mac interrupted harsly. "Yes, anyway, the fact remains that Agent WetWatch is the foremost expert that we have in measuring that thing where people link to each other and then they swap with each other and send links back and then that sometimes means they may get another link back to someone who linked to them and then... anyway, she knows about that stuff and so she'll be meeting with you at 09:30. Jilter stuck YoungHaggis's hand in the air. "Erm, will she bringing any sandwiches, Sir?", she asked. "I dunno, cheese sandwiches perhaps?" YoungHarris, puzzled, put his hand back down into his pocket.

09:00
Digger was busy calculating a new forum interface to coax the spammers into adding an extra click so that we would gain extra PPCs. "It may take some time but I think we can pull it off" As he began to use his other hand for counting a knock came to the door. Jilter went over to answer it. "Good Morning", said Dr. USBinski, picking bits of glass from his teeth. "Ah - it's the plug man!", exclaimed Jilter. "Plug Man?", quizzed Dr. USBinksi. "My dear, I am a Russian expert in all things technical and I would thank you to remember that.", he snarled back. "Yeah but I bet you didn't know there is a C in Duuuuur did ya?", replied Jilter. "I did, so there",she added.

The big burly Russian threw his purple velvet hat to the coat stand and watched as it frisbeed out of the window. "Damn", he mumbled as his coat followed swiftly behind. "I svear these pimps are robbing me blind. Now vere are ze computers?", he asked. "Vat I am about to show you will leave you dribbling with envy and wonder", he whispered as he pulled the plugs from his pocket...

[Web Witch]

....this is :cool:! I just love Internet stories with a plot.... Have you ever tried licking that melted cheese:eek: o-o-o-o-o-o:rolleyes:

[MazY]

Originally posted by Web Witch
....this is :cool:! I just love Internet stories with a plot.... Have you ever tried licking that melted cheese:eek: o-o-o-o-o-o:rolleyes:

Yeah, singed me tongue and burned my hair! :thebomb: Next time I'm removing it from under the grill first!

[Web Witch]

:shocked: WetWatch also went into the grill before the incident in the corridors?:eek:

WW

[MazY]

Originally posted by Web Witch
:shocked: WetWatch also went into the grill before the incident in the corridors?:eek:

WW

Obviously, despite the earth-shattering and erm page-melting secrets that the book reveals about the previously clandestine MI9 agency, I must adhere to EEC Directive 2582375:KJSKLJ:137 and not reveal too much about individual incidents.

I am sure you will understand that the security and well-being of the MI9 agents must be made the foremost concern in such governmental matters.

[Click] Bravo-Tango 3754 - Request Secure Channel Transmission - Over.

Authorisation Key - "The rabbit from Yugoslavia speaks fluent Chinese."

[MazY]

Code Burgundy


09:20
"There, turn zem on", said Doctor USBinski, rising from the floor with the screwdriver arsenal that he had used to work his electronics magic. Melon stepped forward and began to hit the power switch on the computers. The whirring of the hard-drives filled the room for a bew brief moments. "Right, I shall look at the Microwave", muttered Doctor USBinski as he headed towards the kitchen. "My God, this man really is a genius", exclaimed YoungHaggis as the computer screens began to illuminate. "Do you think this well help us with Operation Wibble though?", he continued. "I mean, at least before we knew it was black text on black backgrounds. Now it could be any colour on any colour." I had pondered this before. It seemed to me that we would have to obtain some different coloured paper. It was standard Operation Wibble practise to print off any cases of text hiding that we found. So when we found cases of black text on black backgrounds (and I have to say that we had managed to do this almost every thirty seconds before) then we would print the dastardly case of spamming with black ink on black paper. Just in case it ever went to court and they needed concrete evidence.

09:30
The door flung open "Hello Gang", shrieked WetWatch. "I've been called in to take part in Operation Wibble. I shall be chiefly responsible for making sure that nobody is abusing that thing where one links to another and then they link back but then they make a link back to another so that other links back to them and then the one who linked first links back again to the one who linked second because they had also linked back to the one who linked back to the first one who had linked to them." Digger interrupted. "Erm yeah. We get the idea, thanks. I think we need another name for it though. The repoerts are getting a bit lengthy." I considered that we needed a shorter name for this phenomonen and Digger was right. We had been writing the reports on to wallpaper as they were getting a little long. "I know", called Jilter. "What about link crossing between lots of different linking web sites?" Everyone paused. "Hmmmm. No. It still seems a bit long", added YoungHaggis. "What about link exchanging between lots of people who are linking to each other?", he quizzed. Again, the team paused for consideration. "Nope. I have it", exclaimed Melon. "What about link popularity?" The group laughed in response. "Link Popularity?", quizzed Jilter. "You think that will ever catch on?" Digger interrupted "Well, look, as we have nothing better then I think we should go with it." The group mumbled and agreed, despite all thinking that it wasn't snappy enough and should be given at least two more vowels. "Are these computers still networked?", asked YoungHaggis. They had been before so I went over to check. Sure enough, the plastic cups linked by the various lengths of string were still in place. "Phew, it seems that they are." I advised the group.

10:00
"Code Burgundy. Code Bugundy. This is not a drill. Repeat this is not a drill." Everyone looked around in dazed panic before running to the "UPPERPUPPY" system. UPPERPUPPY had been purchased from the Soviets almost a decade ago and was the pride of MI9. If the Grooble rankings changed then UPPERPUPPY was the first to know about it. And if UPPERPUPPY was the first to know then that meant we were always the second and if we were always the second to know about it that meant that anyone that we had told would be the third to know about it. It also meant that whoever the people that the people that we had told that we had told were the fourth to people to know about it. WetWatch read the screen. "Hmmmm. Seems we have some major deflagration of the pinnacle stabilisers.", she advised the group. Digger leapt up "Yaaaay. At last! Erm, what does that mean exactly?" "She means that some of the top posistions are burning down to the lower rankings", replied Jilter. The group stood scratching each others heads. "Oh", said YoungHaggis. "So the rankings have changed. So why didn't she just say that?" Melon looked back at YoungHaggis. "Because, JellyBrain we are a top-secret crack team of espionage experts and therefore we have to cloak everything we do in mystery and unfathomable words. Got it?", she snarled. "Ooooh li'l Miss fancy pants.", retorted a sniggering YoungHaggis.

A Code Burgundy was pretty serious. This meant that there may well be some spammers entering our precious top positions. We had seen a few in our time and they always gave some indication of what the dastardly spammers were up to in their quest to beat us. But we had moved on. We had computers now with real moving lights and stuff. Damn it - we would soon have a microwave oven too. How many federal agencies can shout that! The war had begun and we had fully loaded water pistols...

[Web Witch]

....LMAO:cheers: & a :thebomb:

[JuniorHarris]

Very good indeedy!~ Junior Likes!~ :D

[ihelpyou]

Yes. We need to start rating threads more. Give it thread serious thought and give a rating that fits for you.

[ihelpyou]

We are anxiously awaiting day 5 of The Diaries! :cool:

[Blue]

:eyes:

[MazY]

The JimsGlobe Agency

10:55 (After a nice breakfast and stuff.)

There was no time for delay. The code burgundy had come in over the WMCRT or Wall Mounted Crackly Radio Thing as we called in on the floor. We had been through this type of drill many times at the SEO academy. Over and over again, we would be trained for every single eventuality of a code burdgundy. So there we were. UPPERPUPPY was showing system alerts and we had to react damned quickly. "WAIT", shouted Jilter. "I'm seeing a nasty case of acne on YoungHaggis." The team looked at YoungHaggis. Damn, she was right. We laughed mockingly and with pointed fingers at the large protuding spot that was about to launch itself from his nose before returning to the UPPERPUPPY screen.

"OK Team. Gather around", called Digger. We all ran across the office floor to gather around Digger. His words of wisdom were often valued in times of crisis. He looked each of us in the eye. "The best advice I can give at the moment is to bathe your cat about once a month to avoid nasty cases of scabies." We looked at each other. "Good tip", said WetWatch. We all scribbled it into our tips book before running back to the UPPERPUPPY console. "OK How are the matrix shift patterns on Grooble?", asked WetWatch. "Erm, they're sort of shifting, I think.", replied, Digger. "Erm, remind me again what that means.", he added. "I mean, are there any changes in the top-ten?", replied WetWatch. "Oh, them." replied Digger. "Yeah a few I think. You want me to run the Web Position Purple software analysis system to get a keyword density report and then run a cross-match against previous entries?", he quizzed. "No never mind all that. What we need is a CTRL+A sortie on each page to check for HTS. I think that should be the priority.", replied WetWatch. "OK, I'm on it. Just as soon as I pop this spot." replied YoungHaggis.

"Vere are you cvazy mozzer", came the grunts from the kitchen. I walked through the to the kitchen to see how Doctor USBInski was progressing with the microwave oven. "How's it going?" I asked. "Hmmm. You seem to have a bit of an ice build-up in the oven casing.", he replied. I wasn't sure how to tell him so I just came out with it. "Erm, Doc. I don't want to second guess you or anything but we have always used that particular microwave oven that you are working on as the freezer. We generally tend to use that smaller thing in the corner that doesn't freeze up as the microwave oven." I pointed to the still broken microwave in the corner of the kitchen. Montgomery Bigglesthwaite Smythe, the goldfish, was still glued to the glass door. "Ah, I see. So that is how you vork in Anerica huh?", replied Doctor USBInski. "Ven no wonder.", he grunted back in reply. "Erm yeah. Sure. I'll leave you to it for a while." I figured that my crack skills would be better use at the UPPERPUPPY system than they would be trying to ease the ego of a so called Russian electronics expert.

"OK I have hidden text! I have hidden text! Hidden text on Grooble ranked at numbers one, two and three", shouted Jilter. "And I seem to have a major redirection of four!". Damn this was a major shift in the Grooble algorithms. Clearly, deals had been struck between Grooble and the SpamVille mafia. "OK. Someone radio our field agent, Hope-NoToes and see what the word is out on the streets.", called Digger. Young Haggis looked back at Digger. "Er, Digger - we don't have radios. We never have had.", he retorted. "Ok then erm, well, write her a letter in really neat handwriting and post it to her before the end of the week. Stress the urgency to her."

Things were hectic. The UPPERPUPPY console was busy spewing out report after report. "There seems to be a lot of white on white", shouted Jilter. "Erm, no, forget that. I didn't load a cartridge into the printer. I'll get onto it." Maybe this was it. Not only might we be able to topple Grooble and its new algorithms but rumours were also filtering through of a rival agency, codenamed JimsGlobe. Seems that many agents were not happy with the poor management from the other side and many of them were heading over to the new MI9 forums that were being monitored by Digger. This could only mean one thing - more information for us...

[ihelpyou]

:green: Yes. This is what we have been missing.

[Mel]

8)

A friendly Varning -

You shoud know ve are vatching you werry closely and vill not hesitate to scramble upperpuppy if you get too close to us.

[JuniorHarris]

I see nothing!~ 8)