MazY
01-08-2001, 14:42/02:42PM
Maximising For Those Lower End Positions
It seems that many people are looking at the whole SEO issue from the wrong perspective. Whilst all of the webmasters clamber for the top positions, I suggest an alternative method. Being fully aware, as I am, that all good SEO techniques require a catchy name, then I shall name if "The No-Hope Method".
How it Works
The essence of this soon to be award winning SEO system is quite simple. Whilst everyone optimises for the top positions, the No-Hope method gives you solid and reasoned techniques to help fill all of those vacant bottom rankings. After all, we all ike an easy life don't we? However, don't imagine for a moment that this means the No-Hope method is not fraught with danger and spammers. In fact, I dare to suggest that you will have many spammers all competing with you for this untapped market of positions.
The Techniques
Domain Name
The first thing to do is obviously to get a very suitable domain name. If you are selling electric kettles for example, then I suggest that you obtain the domain name "we-sell-lots-of-different-types-of-electric-kettles-and-a-few-other-bits-of-good-electrical-equipment.com" There, you've done it. Congratulations! You are now on the way to getting those precious and untapped bottom rankings!
The Home Page
As most professional SEOs will tell you. It is imperative to have an immaculate main (home) page. This is where the No-Hope technique seeks to revolutionize the way that people present their wares. I suggest a full Macromedia Flash home page. Ideally, make it so that it takes around fifteen minutes to load. Remember - the longer your customers are there, the longer they have to fall in love with your services. Music is also an important factor. Nice dreamy music may be nice for the casual purchaser but we want to get a little enthusiasm going. A good wholeseome Metallica track should fit the bill nicely. But hang on Maz, I hear you ask. How will the search engines know what I am selling if I use Flash? A good quesion my inquisitive friends. The point is that we don't have to. The No-Hope type of site sells itself. We have 385734976346,001 satisfied customers to testify to the effectiveness of our methods. However, if you really are concerned then I suggest that you hide a good ample amount of text in the same colour as the background. To use our kettle example then I suggest "kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles" for around three-hundred repeats.
Meta Tags.
Too many SEOs are focusing their efforts are one or two key-phrases. What good could ever come of this? With the No-Hope method, we will teach you how to maximise your site with general, broad-sweeping and totally useless meta tags. Why just use the words, electric and kettle in your keywords when you could include words such as "kitchen, camping, tents, holiday, Spain, history" and so forth. You getting the idea now? Yes, we are appealing to a much wider audience with our unique No-Hope SEO method.
The Page Title
Again, many SEO companies will advise that you go for a short and relevant title. Where is the sense in this? You want to give your customers something to read before they click on you. I suggest something along the lines of "When you are looking for some electrical items for the house, specifically the kitchen , such as a kettle for example then you really want to click on us because we have lots of kettles, kettles, kettles, kettles, kettles." See how we have emphasised the word "kettle"? yes, this truly unique No-Hope method of SEO is revolutionary and is taking the small village of Waloboranga by storm!
Themeing
You may have heard a lot about "themes" and the way that search engines are using them to increase rankings. Well, I am about to lift the lid on the biggest kept internet secrets of them all. Themeing is not, as many believe, making your entire web site focused onto one key subject. Oh no. What the search engies mean by themes is that they want to detect lots of erroneous Macromedia Flash music playing on each page. Your "theme" tune. That, my friends, is what themeing is all about. Not this nonsensical "focused pages".
Comments
Search engines struggle to see what your page is about and so we are about to reveal another great secret to help you get those bottom rankings! Use the comment tag. In fact, no, over-use it beyond all recognition. Hardly any of the search engines even read it so you can be sure that it won't get you into any trouble. Fill your boots.
Links
Link popularity is becoming important. The more links you can get the better. Find every link farm that you can and get linked to it and from it. If you can find a porn site or three then be sure to link to those too for those extra bottom rankings!
Page Submission
Submit all of your pages to the search engines every day until they accept you. You will know when you have been accepted as some kind soul will send a limousine around to your house, drop it of on your drive-way with a "You've been accepted" sticker on the window, and pay your mortgage for you! You may also see a few pigs flying overhead too. Many of our readers have experienced this and I am proud to say that we are behind it!
Frames
Many people shy away from frames. With the No-Hope method you don't have to be a coward. "Frame yourself up" as we like to say here in our plush offices in my bedroom. You don't need to add any code to any of the frames. Remember, we want to build intrigue and get the search engines working for their living. The NoFrames tag is simply there for people that don't have the confidence to see that the search engines should be able to guess what you site is about by looking at the site next to it and applying a little algebra against the speed of the earth rotation. That is all they need to see what your site is about.
Client Testimonials
Dear RipMeOff Co. We were sceptical that by following your methods we could get our pages shifted from #2, #3 etc all the way down to #37634987. However, after only a few weeks we were seeing dramatic differences. One popular search engine even removed us completely after only a few days! This has really cut down on the time that was previously spent having to monitor our visitor statistics. Thank you!
Mr. Bob. Fletcher. Zimbabwe
Dear RipMeOff Co.
When my company purchased your book "The sure fire way to the bottom", we were laughing at your advice. But sure enough, using your scientifically proven techniques, we were nowhere to be seen in the rankings after only a few weeks. We haven't seen the pigs yet but we have more time to keep looking for them now that we are not having to deal with customers visiting our site! Thank you from all of us!
Mr. Richard Bazeeler
WeSellNothing Corp.
Disclaimer
We at RipMeOff Co. make every endeavour not to practise anything that we advise our clients to do. We entrust the reasoning of our many satisfied clients to test these techniques for us. If you have any complaints, please do to hesitate to read this disclaimer again.
Your sincerely.
Dodgy Sales Rep
:D Did I miss anything?
It seems that many people are looking at the whole SEO issue from the wrong perspective. Whilst all of the webmasters clamber for the top positions, I suggest an alternative method. Being fully aware, as I am, that all good SEO techniques require a catchy name, then I shall name if "The No-Hope Method".
How it Works
The essence of this soon to be award winning SEO system is quite simple. Whilst everyone optimises for the top positions, the No-Hope method gives you solid and reasoned techniques to help fill all of those vacant bottom rankings. After all, we all ike an easy life don't we? However, don't imagine for a moment that this means the No-Hope method is not fraught with danger and spammers. In fact, I dare to suggest that you will have many spammers all competing with you for this untapped market of positions.
The Techniques
Domain Name
The first thing to do is obviously to get a very suitable domain name. If you are selling electric kettles for example, then I suggest that you obtain the domain name "we-sell-lots-of-different-types-of-electric-kettles-and-a-few-other-bits-of-good-electrical-equipment.com" There, you've done it. Congratulations! You are now on the way to getting those precious and untapped bottom rankings!
The Home Page
As most professional SEOs will tell you. It is imperative to have an immaculate main (home) page. This is where the No-Hope technique seeks to revolutionize the way that people present their wares. I suggest a full Macromedia Flash home page. Ideally, make it so that it takes around fifteen minutes to load. Remember - the longer your customers are there, the longer they have to fall in love with your services. Music is also an important factor. Nice dreamy music may be nice for the casual purchaser but we want to get a little enthusiasm going. A good wholeseome Metallica track should fit the bill nicely. But hang on Maz, I hear you ask. How will the search engines know what I am selling if I use Flash? A good quesion my inquisitive friends. The point is that we don't have to. The No-Hope type of site sells itself. We have 385734976346,001 satisfied customers to testify to the effectiveness of our methods. However, if you really are concerned then I suggest that you hide a good ample amount of text in the same colour as the background. To use our kettle example then I suggest "kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles kettles" for around three-hundred repeats.
Meta Tags.
Too many SEOs are focusing their efforts are one or two key-phrases. What good could ever come of this? With the No-Hope method, we will teach you how to maximise your site with general, broad-sweeping and totally useless meta tags. Why just use the words, electric and kettle in your keywords when you could include words such as "kitchen, camping, tents, holiday, Spain, history" and so forth. You getting the idea now? Yes, we are appealing to a much wider audience with our unique No-Hope SEO method.
The Page Title
Again, many SEO companies will advise that you go for a short and relevant title. Where is the sense in this? You want to give your customers something to read before they click on you. I suggest something along the lines of "When you are looking for some electrical items for the house, specifically the kitchen , such as a kettle for example then you really want to click on us because we have lots of kettles, kettles, kettles, kettles, kettles." See how we have emphasised the word "kettle"? yes, this truly unique No-Hope method of SEO is revolutionary and is taking the small village of Waloboranga by storm!
Themeing
You may have heard a lot about "themes" and the way that search engines are using them to increase rankings. Well, I am about to lift the lid on the biggest kept internet secrets of them all. Themeing is not, as many believe, making your entire web site focused onto one key subject. Oh no. What the search engies mean by themes is that they want to detect lots of erroneous Macromedia Flash music playing on each page. Your "theme" tune. That, my friends, is what themeing is all about. Not this nonsensical "focused pages".
Comments
Search engines struggle to see what your page is about and so we are about to reveal another great secret to help you get those bottom rankings! Use the comment tag. In fact, no, over-use it beyond all recognition. Hardly any of the search engines even read it so you can be sure that it won't get you into any trouble. Fill your boots.
Links
Link popularity is becoming important. The more links you can get the better. Find every link farm that you can and get linked to it and from it. If you can find a porn site or three then be sure to link to those too for those extra bottom rankings!
Page Submission
Submit all of your pages to the search engines every day until they accept you. You will know when you have been accepted as some kind soul will send a limousine around to your house, drop it of on your drive-way with a "You've been accepted" sticker on the window, and pay your mortgage for you! You may also see a few pigs flying overhead too. Many of our readers have experienced this and I am proud to say that we are behind it!
Frames
Many people shy away from frames. With the No-Hope method you don't have to be a coward. "Frame yourself up" as we like to say here in our plush offices in my bedroom. You don't need to add any code to any of the frames. Remember, we want to build intrigue and get the search engines working for their living. The NoFrames tag is simply there for people that don't have the confidence to see that the search engines should be able to guess what you site is about by looking at the site next to it and applying a little algebra against the speed of the earth rotation. That is all they need to see what your site is about.
Client Testimonials
Dear RipMeOff Co. We were sceptical that by following your methods we could get our pages shifted from #2, #3 etc all the way down to #37634987. However, after only a few weeks we were seeing dramatic differences. One popular search engine even removed us completely after only a few days! This has really cut down on the time that was previously spent having to monitor our visitor statistics. Thank you!
Mr. Bob. Fletcher. Zimbabwe
Dear RipMeOff Co.
When my company purchased your book "The sure fire way to the bottom", we were laughing at your advice. But sure enough, using your scientifically proven techniques, we were nowhere to be seen in the rankings after only a few weeks. We haven't seen the pigs yet but we have more time to keep looking for them now that we are not having to deal with customers visiting our site! Thank you from all of us!
Mr. Richard Bazeeler
WeSellNothing Corp.
Disclaimer
We at RipMeOff Co. make every endeavour not to practise anything that we advise our clients to do. We entrust the reasoning of our many satisfied clients to test these techniques for us. If you have any complaints, please do to hesitate to read this disclaimer again.
Your sincerely.
Dodgy Sales Rep
:D Did I miss anything?